Friday, January 13, 2017

The Maximum Ride Movie Snuck Up on Me



I love Maximum Ride with all my heart. Even now, after getting rid of books 4 and up, I still think to myself "Why oh why did I get rid of those?" before I read my old review posts and remember just how bad they really were.

I knew for a long time that a Maximum Ride movie was announced but, somehow, the production and even the release managed to evade me. When I first heard about it I tried not to get my hopes up, the longer something is hyped for me the bigger my disappointment seems to be, even when it's good. I resigned myself to the fact that it may or may not get made and, if it did, I would know.

So, imagine my surprise a week ago when the movie popped up on Amazon. My first thought was "Holy flockcakes, it exists?" followed by "Thirty freaking bucks!?"

Which translates to 39.98 Dollarydoos

Luckily, a few days ago, I found out Netflix has it on streaming. My Internet is slow, but I managed to watch it for the most part. 

It's actually weird that I didn't know. I don't follow anything but people on the book of faces, but I am a Jenna Marbles fan, who was one of the Executive Producers. I actually had to rewind the opening credits to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. Other big names include the director Jay Martin known for his work...



...in the Art Department apparently.

Well, at least they got a a good actress for Max! Allie Marie Evans was great in...uh...


Actually I don't mind, I'm all for small names. As an indie author I would be a hypocrite if I wasn't, and everyone has to start somewhere, right? (I did catch the way you said "sorry" though, Allie, nice try but I worked with a Canadian nurse for 3 years, I am now deeply educated in Canadian culture. Maple syrup y'all!) I do have a small problem with her hair to eyebrow shade ratio:


Which actually looks even more exaggerated in the movie. A lot of people, oddly enough, had a problem with all the character's hair color. It looks like Miss Evans's original hair color, based on her eyebrows, would have been a better choice. Rather than a brunette Max they decided to go with Nevermore!Max.


I'll come back to this in a just moment.

So let's launch right into the movie itself. It's low budget and been trapped in development hell for ten years, what could possibly go wrong?

One of the beginning scenes has Nudge looking at an outfit on a laptop because she's the fashionista of the group. I wanted to show you a picture of her wearing a sunhat indoors in their gloomy house but all of the shots I can find are conspicuously absent of her (I think the movie poster even has Max twice instead of Nudge).

Oh, Nudge, did you get a tan?

She's thinking about running off to buy it but, when Max finds out, she's yelled at for risking exposure when they have to stay hidden. This is from Max who, from the looks of it, must go to the salon to get her roots done on a regular basis. An earlier scene showed her with black-painted toenails as well. At some point that nail polish had to have been purchased.

Anyway, it diverges from the book story-line in a few small ways, but it's the worst regarding their wings. The first time I saw the wings, I was expecting bad but not so bad I would start laughing. Apparently (?) the wings are stored inside of their bodies and slice open their backsides every time they are spread out. This has led to two built up lines of scar tissue.

Just like real birds.

My main beef is that the fun is missing. The characters in the book are witty and wry most of the time, especially in bad situations, and love to give each other a hard time. The movie focused entirely on dark brooding to the point where all of the characters wear black like they're an offshoot of the Addams Family.

Another weird problem is that, despite being a main character (second only to Max herself) Fang's name is never mentioned.

Uh....Chad?
The Erasers, the minion mooks, aren't even trying to be wolf-guys, they just look human, except for discount Jacob Black Ari.

"I'm here for Bella Max."
Suddenly, the movie comes to a halt halfway through the book because apparently they took the advice of Peter Jackson while he was directing The Hobbit. It ended as though it was going to continue, but I get the feeling that's not going to happen.

Despite all of that I actually liked it. I went in knowing full and well that it was going to be a steaming turd of a movie. I liked it for what it was, not what it was trying to be. Thanks to MST3K and Rifftrax I love B grade movies, the wackier the better.  I would say Maximum Ride almost verges on "so bad it's good."

At least it was better than Eragon.











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Thursday, January 12, 2017

Let's Get Started Shall We?

So I have basically been trapped in limbo for the last six months, August had been weirdly optimistic apparently. Luckily the hopes of people making a satyr costume has been keeping Dusted Glen alive.

Hopefully I can get back onto the scheduled bandwagon. Expect a brand new post soon! (I'd go as far as to say tomorrow but then if I miss tomorrow I'd probably shoot for the day after but then here come the people with the torches and pitchforks and how they managed to get here when I'm living with 97528395 inches of snow on the ground I don't know because I can barely get out of my driveway even on a good day not that I really have anywhere to go I'm kinda like that one song you know the one that was popular in the eighties from that band with the name that's a noun and the lead singer struck out on his own and still makes music as a solo artist to this day but it's just not quite as good as his original stuff with the band but don't tell him that because it was quite a falling out I'm pretty sure there was a biography or an autobiography why do they call them autobiographies it's not like the books write themselves although I suppose they sorta do because by living your life you're creating the story to your own biography so they should call biographies as "someone else wrote this"-graphy and autobiographies as iGraphies and lots of people would buy it because everyone rips off the lowercase i thing that apple did oh booyah I managed to have a lowercase standalone letter I be grammatically correct anyway the section in the parenthesis is longer than the entire posts so I'm going to call it good.)