An Open Apology to Billy Burke

Dear William Albert Burke,

You suck.

At least, that's what I used to think.

Yeah, I saw you in Twilight and, like Charlie Swan in the novel, you were just as soulless and forgettable as every other character.

His arms are around her but his eyes are dead

Of course, working with Kristen Stewart tends to cause that to people. The thing is, it's always permanent damage. For example, Robert Pattinson was awesome in Harry Potter, but has promptly sucked since then. You want to know my theory of how you blended in with the vapid crowd of Twilight, yet managed to escape unscathed?

The mustache.

Behold...

Yes, Willy, (I can call you Willy, right? Oh fine, Billy it is...) as you were on the set of Twilight, you were smart to have grown a mustache. There was no other way to resist the dumb that permeated the very air but to filter it through your lip weasel.

That's right, I noticed that no other actors in the Twilight movies have flavor savers, and that you specifically grew yours for the Twilight movies, subsequently shaving it off once they were all finished, leaving your sanity intact.

Sure, I didn't recognize you when you were in Revolution, but I knew I was in love the moment I saw you.



Platonic love, of course. (You're the black cat.)

Though your pushbroom was doomed, it saved you, and through saving you, gave me a far better respect for you after seeing you in your true form.

How does your sword always manage to stay so clean?

So I just wanted to say I'm sorry, Billy, to both you and your deceased snot mop, for ever having doubted you.