The Many Uses of Dusted!

Holy cow Dusted has so many uses you guys! It's the Swiss army knife of books! It can be used as a sun shield for other books!

So much protection from fading and looks great too!

Are your kids bugging you for a new toy? Dusted makes for a great set of building blocks for hours of fun and imagination!

Amazing!

Need to use the bathroom? Forget that boring old smartphone, Dusted uses no battery, requires no WiFi, and is 100% compatible with eyeballs!

Does double duty if you run out of toilet paper!

Got some laundry to do? Don't bother with regular laundry soaps full of harsh chemicals that can irritate skin, use Dusted as an all-natural cleaning agent in all your laundry loads!

Throw a second copy into the dryer for extra softness!

Playing some videogames while waiting for the laundry to finish? Can't get past a difficult area? Dusted can help with that too! Dusted is 100% guaranteed to get you past that one spot you can never beat!*

*Except for Dark Souls.

In fact, Dusted even works as a videogame console! It's compatible with all discs, cartridges, and hardware of any make and model!

Got a Wii game but only a Gamecube Controller? No problem!

Don't know what to feed the family? No worries, Dusted is even edible! With all of your daily essential vitamins and minerals included you have a complete and balanced meal!

Yummers!

So buy Dusted today!

So I Ordered a Bunch of Japanese Snacks: Part 2

After surviving the first half, which mainly consisted of fried salted everything, I decided to try the candy side of things. Starting with...

The Fruit Bowl

The bowl came broken.

First, I don't understand why my fixed pictures end up back to their original rotation. Oh well, just crane your head 90 degrees and keep reading.


Oddly, in this package was a toothpick (you can see it on the left side of the bag). I have weird luck with items so I honestly thought it was some kind of mistake, like finding a hair in your food, but another item also contained a toothpick, so it must have been on purpose. If US candy ever contained a toothpick in it, someone resembling Honey BooBoo's mom would have already sued the company for having swallowed it.

Ah maede elebendy billyun dullurs.

The smell of the candy made my stomach turn a little, but I decided to give it a try anyway. To my surprise they were fruit gummies (which explains the nasty smell. Although my favorite candy, gummies smell like ass.) Japan also has a kind of edible containers, like rice paper wrappers. In this case the fruit "bowl" was a very stale plain wafer that read "ICE CREAM" on the bottom. I still don't get the toothpick. Is there some sort of faux pas about picking up tiny pieces of candy with your fingers in Japan?

I decided to further my cavities with...

Cherry Squares, Mini Cola, and Terrifying Egg Thing

Is this what it's like to be illiterate?

The Cherry Squares were the other thing that came with a toothpick. They were gummy just like the fruit bowl.

The Mini Cola were tiny little crunchy bits that were actually pretty good! They have kind of a sour candy/cola taste that I would actually expect to find in the US.

Please don't sue us Coca Cola.

The Terrifying Egg Thing was the thing I was most hesitant to try (at least until I found the Strip of Skin, which I'll get to later.) I looked and felt like a marshmallow but I knew, just knew, that it would have something inside that would probably be a garish yellow.

I was right in that it contained something, but it was just chocolate. Crisis averted.

Looming on the horizon was...

Cola Balls

That "hairdoo" on the talking one should have been a warning.

Initially I expected these to be chocolaty until I looked at the package closer and saw a glass of soda on the right. At that point I assumed the things talking and smiling (and, in the far right one's case, looking constipated) were soda bubbles.
 

The balls were much paler than the package suggested (durr hurr). Instead of being soft, like the egg thing. When I bit into one though it was chewy, and had an oozing, bright yellow core like a cyst. One Amazon reviewer mentioned one of the items was gum, and that she had already eaten several pieces before realizing. With the gummies I was careful to be sure the first one completely dissolved before eating more. In this case I realized it was gum. It had no specific flavor I could pinpoint, but if it really was trying to be cola flavored, who wants cola-fresh breath? (A cola flavor did linger in my mouth afterwards.)

I don't like it when my candy oozes.

I have since renamed them Gum Cysts.

My stomach began churning after all the sweets, so I decided to change it up a bit with

Corn Potage

The more excited the mascot is the more cautious I am.

What is potage? Apparently a thick soup, and what can get thicker than solid, crispy form?

The sweetness hit me like a fist. I often forget people like their corn incredibly sweet since my family is more of a salty corn type. Once I got past that they weren't half bad and had more of a savory taste and smelled absolutely delicious.

It was enough to get me back on the sweets track with...


Candy Cigarettes, Vermin Discs, and Grape Box

Well what else was I supposed to call the Vermin Discs?

Along with candy birth control pills Japanese children also get to smoke candy cigarettes. I know the US used to sell them as such before redressing them as "candy sticks" with pictures of superheroes on them. I have, however, ran across candy cigarettes in rare places in the US.

Having been disappointed with my saccharine cigs I decided to dress things up a little.

I also drink black candy coffee and write dark poetry about candy.

They taste better than their US counterpart. Where the US ones are chalky and flaky, these ones are a sweet mint and solid.

The Vermin Discs were sour and powdery, leaving a grainy, floury paste behind, like the dusty sweepings of a Sour Patch Kids factory.

The Grape Box was filled with four or five very fake grape flavored gum balls.

The strangely mundane continued with...

 Crackers

Cracker

 They were crackers.

Mini Chow Mein Noodles

I wonder what the littler guy is worried about. Probably global warming.

These were completely plain and expected as well. Of course, I was stalling, stalling the inevitable, but now I was down to the last two. The finale, the creepy, the weird the...

Squirrel Balls and Strip of Skin

Hurr durr

The Squirrel Balls were poofier and much, much sweeter than I was expecting, especially after the crackers of noodles. I suspect they were made from rice flour.

Finally, there was the Strip of Skin. The picture made it look much better than the tiny little window they had on the package. Inside I could see a yellowish flat thing that had a texture of an old person's skin. When I had first started this venture I took one look at it and said to my brother "I'm really not looking forward to trying that" but here it is friends. That time is now.

I opened the package and took it out or, at least, I tried. Instead part of it broke off. I fished it out and set it on the plate.

It's more horrifying out of the package.

"Maybe it wouldn't be so intimidating if I smelled it?" I thought to myself.

Oh God.

A gross, saucy garbage smell reached up and gripped my nostril hairs so hard it made the pineapple worm in the back of my brain stir from its slumber. I didn't want to taste it, but maybe it would be okay, like a soy sauce flavor. I peeled it off from the plate, which it had immediately stuck to, and licked it.

No.

This thing was shat out from Satan himself before being pounded flat by a billion tortured souls. I tried to eat it again, this time biting down until a piece was almost loosed. I almost gagged. I couldn't do it. It went in the trash, which was then set on fire and prayed over.

This package didn't have a cutesy mascot on it because the mascot would have been Cthulhu.

Or her.

So I Ordered a Bunch of Japanese Snacks Part 1

Cracked is one of my favorite websites and is a huge basis on the layout of my blog posts. Some of the best articles are ones that involve food (like this and this and let's not forget this one) but it all started for me with a blog called The Sneeze under a section called Steve Don't Eat It. While looking for some bento tools on Amazon they recommended a big bag of Japanese snacks so I decided why not?

First was Amazon Prime's shipping. For it to get here in two days meant there was no possible way it could have come directly from Japan. Amazon probably gets a couple of them in advance and keeps them in a warehouse.

Actual photo of Amazon warehouse.

It took me a few days to gain the courage to actually open and start eating them. First was...

The Crispy Tube and Naked Pocky

I have no idea what's going on.

I got three crispy tubes, although I originally thought they were stacks of crackers, like Ritz. Just before work my brother convinced me to pick a snack and try one. I chose this one because the mascot is familiar to me for some reason, although I can't place him.

Inside was a tube of crisp with a hollow inside about the circumference of a pen. The smell was spot on as I thought to myself "This isn't going to taste very good."

It also made me vaguely uncomfortable for some reason...

It was salt with a bit of spice (if "spice" also includes Satan's stank farts). I had a rule to myself that I would finish off every snack and I broke my rule after the very first one.

You can actually see when my soul dies.

The taste not only lingers, but gets worse over time. My brother was hesitant to try it after I did, and he was right to do so. I'm pretty sure he ate an alcohol pad to get the taste out of his mouth.

Twinkie the Kid lost weight.

Pocky are chocolate covered biscuit sticks you will find in nearly every grocery store in the Asian food aisle. I've tried them and they're unimpressive, naked pocky is is even more so. They were crunchy with a little salt, like pretzels.

Next was...

Meat Pencil, Birth Control, and Gel Tube

Japan seems to have a thing for junk food in tubes.

The Meat Pencil actually had some English on it: Pencil Calpas. After some reading apparently Calpas originate from Russia and apparently contain the meats of chicken, pork, and horse. I already ate at McDonald's today so none of that should be new to me.

It had a texture like a Slim Jim but with none of the spice, more like one of those sausages mall kiosks sell at Christmas. It was actually much more preferable to a Slim Jim (and probably contains much less horse meat.)

The Birth Control was simplest but also the most amusing. It was milk chocolate in a candy shell, but I liked the packaging, you had to pop them out of the foil backing, like sudafed. Children are known to eat medications, mistaking them for candy, so let's make candy look like medication!

The Gel Tube had one ominous English word on it: Jelly. It had a zip strip down one side so that you didn't just eat it from the top, you had to expose it in all its oozy glory. That, of course, didn't work, so instead I cut one end off and squeezed it out, which is a horror that can only be described via the magic of video:

(Play in background for full effect.)

The texture was like those fake bait packages in the fishing section of a sporting goods store. It was unpleasant to both my fingers and my mouth. The taste was fake pineapple, which was uninviting, but the texture will likely haunt me for the rest of my days. It was only after another forced bite that I realized where it really belonged.

The pineapple has since laid eggs in my cerebellum.

After such a spread I was less brave to try...

The Wheat

Panda fresh!

I was expecting roasted, salted sunflower seeds in these, but instead I was treated to slightly sweet puffed wheat like what you would expect in American breakfast cereal.

I forgot to rotate the picture.

Next was pretty much the same thing, except one was covered in chocolate and the other was covered in strawberry flavoring, like strawberry milk. Both of these I actually enjoyed.

With a renewed sense of bravery I followed up with...

 Frog Balls and Samurai Snacks

 

The Frog Balls were bigger than I expected (hurr durr), about the size of a tater tot. Immediately there is a burst of dill pickle flavor, which eventually gives way to that fried crisp flavor. They are oddly addictive.

The Samurai Snacks have the words "Aji Curry" on them. I know what curry is, but looking up aji Wikipedia says "Ají is a spicy sauce that often contains tomatoes, cilantro, ají pepper, onions, and water."

No horses? Oh well.

The Samurai Snacks tasted like chicken broth on a cheeseless Cheeto. Not unpleasant. To my surprise, my brother actually enjoyed them.

This, logically, led to...

Fried Extras

These tasted like an unflavored version of the fried everything else I had been trying. The most entertaining thing about them were the bags themselves.

What I especially loved was the random sad tiger/monkey thing on the back of one of them. He's seen things man...

He's seen things...

Dusted Now Available in Paperback!

I'm proud to announce that, after three years on Kindle, Dusted is now available in paperback!

Dusted has so many uses!

A doorstop!

Especially for cat pee-marked ones!

A bookmark!

For itself!

A hat!

Stylish!

 A fridge deodorizer!

So much absorbance!

A house for your banana!

Wow!

 Take Dusted wherever you go, it's waterproof!*

*not actually waterpoof. Though it would be hilarious to see the attempt.

Buy it now!

The Freedom to Publish Dreck

We might err a bit on the adult side here because I'm going to be talking about some adult genres. I'll try to keep it PG-13, but feel free to cover your children's eyes and pop your monocles.

Back in 2013 there was a bit of a stir on Amazon regarding "Monster Erotica" when it was banned despite some books in the genre being available on the Kindle market for over a year. What is Monster Erotica exactly? It is anything that involves hanky-panky between humans and Bigfoot, dinosaurs, minotaur, centaur, Pegasus, ectetera, you get the idea.



No, seriously.

Some of the books manage to get republished on Amazon simply by changing their cover and/or title, which is likely why I managed to find this one. I both agree and disagree with the banning. I agree with it because of simple squick factor, and that you have to draw the line somewhere.

Primarily though? I disagree on the ban.

Is the problem reputation? No. Kindle publishing is quickly being seen as the scum pond of the publishing world (and I feel that goes double with the introduction of profiting off fanfiction via Kindle Worlds) so they're not doing much to clean up their overall reputation.

Are they losing money by stocking monster erotica on their digital shelves? Heck no, they do nothing but profit from all Kindle Books (they get either 70% or 30% depending upon what you gain in royalties) so it is nothing but a gain for them.

Most importantly, I believe that people should be allowed to publish whatever garbage they want. You know why? Because the readers are going to decide what's popular. Christie Sims is apparently the example author for monster erotica and her most popular book only has 66 reviews. Buyers aren't going "Oh good, I've been looking for a new stegosaurus slut book to make my neither regions tingly!"

There goes that monocle again.

They're buying it as a joke, they're buying it for shock factor. When I look up "Monster erotica" in the Books section and see the "Sort by average customer review" this is what I get

Four star and up: 961
Three star and up: 1270
Two star and up: 1415
One star: 1514

Simply put, these books are crap and banning them isn't going to do a lot because no one is deliberately seeking them out in the first place.

Another important factor to consider is what constitutes "Monster" exactly? Anything unnatural? Sure! Well that ban was so easy I get to punch out early!

Except...

Oh.

And...

Hmm.

Also...

Can't forget those sexy witches!

100 years ago vampires would have fallen right in with the rest of the monstrous creatures.

Hawt.

Werewolves are also, technically, monsters. Though you'll notice there tends to be an unspoken rule that a werewolf never gets his sexy on unless he's in human form. Where do angels fall in the category? Zombies? Faeries? Elves? How about we mix a little science fiction in and include robots?

Banning monster erotica is an all-or-nothing deal, and being selective only causes more problems than it solves for a publisher who doesn't believe in a slush pile.

Like anything else being sold in this world, no matter how much advertising is done or even how good or bad it might be, the consumers will decide the ultimate fate.

Classes That Should Be Taught at BYU-I

DRV101 - Driving on Icy Roads

DRV 110 - U-Turns are Illegal

DRV 120 - Your Brights Blind Other Drivers, Turn Them Off


EMO101 You're a Grown Up Now

EMO102 Seriously You're A Legal Adult

EMO103 Stop Acting Like a Child

EMO105-A Coping with Anxiety

EMO105-B Coping with Depression

EMO110 Moving Here Won't Solve Your Emotional Problems

EMO120 Helicopter Parents

EMO125 Being an Old Maid at Twenty Years Old


HLTH101 Nobody Cares That Your Mom/Aunt/Roomate is a Nurse

HLTH02 It's Just a Cold

HLTH105 If You're Vomiting It's Not the Flu

HLTH110-A Constipation - Help I Can't Poop

HLTH110-B Diarrhea - Help I Can't Stop Pooping

That Time I was Flash Robbed

Otherwise known as my first Trunk or Treat.

I know we're well past at this point, but if Christmas can sucker-punch me on October 28 then I can punch right back.

Plus, now that it's past October, have you considered adopting a black cat?

So the day started for me actually on October 30th. I worked 12 hour night shift starting at 6PM and had to switch to dayshift as fast as possible (I keep night shift hours even on my time off) so the fastest way possible was to stay awake long after I would have normally gone to bed. I got off at 6 AM, went home, waited for my brother to get up, helped him into his costume (which takes an extra person and 20-30 minutes to put it on), put on mine, and was right back to where I had worked only two hours earlier.

Now, I haven't done anything with Halloween since I was about eight years old. After that we would just buy our own candy and have a Simpsons marathon consisting of VHS tapes we'd recorded episodes on years ago. So it was actually a lot of fun to see people letting their inner child have free reign. There were people dressed up Mario Kart style, including 3 balloons and scooters. Green army men. Enough pirates to form an actual crew and enough witches (self included) for a coven. After getting my fill I headed home, 21 solid hours of being awake under my belt, and took a long nap while playing the "Just one more hour" game for 4-5 hours until my brother got home from work.

It was like having kids except  I actually got sleep.

From there we went to out friendly neighborhood trunk or treat.

Initially it felt like a flash rob, the participants becoming increasingly wild as the sugar in their system hit critical saturation. There were plenty of Elsas this year, and the one girl going as Cinderella was probably mistaken for an Elsa too, but there were a lot of cool ones too. A couple of my favorites were a tiny little Anna with a crochet hat made to look like her hair (complete with white streak) who's name was actually Anna, a Luigi with a ghost vacuum, and a kid in a stack of boxes I had mentally nicknamed Awesome-O.

If you're still young enough to go trick or treating yet watch this cartoon, your parents don't love you.

Now here's where I probably turn into an old coot.

I'm already awake trunk or treats defeat the whole point of the thing and that it has basically broken down into a fast-grab of candy, but what I wasn't expecting was the picky nature of the kids. I had one walk right up, take a good long look at the bowl, and proclaim "nah." And, by the end of the event, our bowl had actually gained different candies. That's right: the children were dumping lesser candies on us.

All I could think was "What the heck?" Back in my day (there's the old coot thing again), when we had to actually walk further than 6 feet for our candy, we appreciated every last bit we got.

I still enjoyed it though. It's been so long since I actually saw children dressed up in costumes that I guess I forgot the whole event of Halloween even existed on that level.



And, on a totally unrelated note do you have any idea how expensive razors are these days?