In Which I Try to Take a Photo

My author photo is technically some random picture I grabbed from a folder on my computer, so I decided I wanted an updated one.

The problem with this is that I am not a photogenic person. My face is red all the time and incredibly shiny, studded with the occasional post-teen acne. I more closely resemble a photogenic strawberry than a human being.



Me, circa 2008.

That doesn't even include the fact that I have such consistent and horrible red eye in photos (4 of 30 didn't have red eye) that I'm starting to wonder if I made a pact with a demon that I'm not aware of, and that is the reflection of my lost soul shining through.

He gave me a Klondike bar in return.

Anyway, I decided to look up some author photos to get an idea of what one would be like so I don't look too much like a sociopath trying to sell a book. I found that the process is harder than it looks according to these links: Here, Here, and Here.

So, with some good advice, but a terrible piece to work with, this is what I have ended up with.

My Blurry Torso

Probably the most photogenic out of all 30. This was the first picture, of which I accidentally pressed the button while trying to get the timer to work.

I Just Woke Up (or maybe I'm drunk)

This is the most "Natural" of the pictures. If my family ever needs to provide a photograph of me for the police when I'm on the lam, this one will work pre- and post-arrest. (I was actually seeing if I chose a good spot for the camera to be.)

That Generic Photo of a Distant Relative

 

You know the one I'm talking about. This is the photo of your mom's cousin who was at their wedding and you only met her once: at a family reunion when you were five. For some inexplicable reason this photo is in your family's dusty photo album from the 80's, and every other family member's photo album also from the 80's.

Lobster Face

 

 

My hair looks great, I have a nice smile, my eyes aren't even that bad. Except it looks like I faceplanted into a pot of boiling water. I get a lot of grief from people accusing (yes, accusing) me of blushing, to the point where it can almost break out in an argument as I try to claim that I have sensitive skin. It can be triggered by almost anything: laughing, crying, too warm, and yes, even just smiling.

 

In Which I Dress in Black

 

 

Okay now we're getting somewhere. Black has always been a good color for me (as much as I like to pretend blue is), and my dad once used the term "70's Goth" to describe the way I dress on occasion. However, my hair seems to be a bit zany. I think it's reaching out to sink some ships, much as a Kraken would.

 

I didn't quite get the picture I was looking for, but I did learn a lot so that next time I'll be better prepared (and, I hope, will help you, too.)

 

1. Use a nicer camera.

 

I always thought my camera was pretty fancy. Then again, I'm using it as a basis for cameras I've had in the past, only one of which comes to mind, and that was a camera I got for mailing in some proofs of purchase to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese back in the early 90's. The images were far more grainy than I thought, and for some reason sometimes I get blurry shots even if the camera is motionless, and what looks like water spotting.

 

2. Wear what looks good on you.

 

I followed all of those tips in the links I provided, which said to wear long sleeves and a neckline. I have no idea what they meant by neckline, so I wore what sounded right. It wasn't until I pulled out a favorite of mine, a black turtleneck, that I started seeing the best pictures of me. I've always known I look nice in a black turtleneck, so if you think something looks good on you, chances are, it does. Use it.

 

3. Use good lighting

 

Our house has really dim lighting, I think it was originally owned by vampires. Animals eyes glow from a tapetum lucidum layer in their eyes, red eye in photographs is caused by a human's lack of that, and what you're actually seeing are the blood vessels in the eye blah blah I'm not sciencey enough to be 100% accurate (I suggest you look it up yourself). Better lighting reduces red eye.

 

4. Be comfortable

 

That is said in all of those other links, but it bears repeating. Their tips were "Don't pose" but, by not posing, I found myself being uncomfortable. What is posing anyway? By not posing I can't help but feel like I'm in a Police lineup. They say smile, but my face gets twitchy waiting for the timer to finally go off, and my face gets red from using any facial muscles whatsoever.

 

How did I get comfortable? Well, honestly, I'm wearing big, baggy, blue sweatpants in all of those pictures.